Shine.

Mom and I, once again, discuss name ideas for the new baby.

Mom: Melondie-a, why you no want to name baby Sean?

Me: Mom, Sean is a great name, it's just not his name. 

Mom: No, not Sean! I say, "SEAN!" 

Me: But...

Mom: You know. The sun SEAN so bright-u!

Me: You want us to name him "SHINE."

Mom: Oh, you no like it? 

Me: ...

Between my Mom and my Mother In Law, I don't know who comes up with the best of the worst names. Good thing my husband and I can just laugh at their ideas. 

Where's The Video!?

My son had his first ever Christmas Pageant at his school, for us this was a great milestone, as he has just turned 2. We really didn't know what to expect. What the hell are a bunch of toddlers going to do? Possibly do exactly the opposite of what you tell them to do? How about just sitting there blankly? We understood this was more for us the parents., then them. We came to bask in the cuteness and hilarity of it all. To video tape the moment and send it to our families. To have blackmail video to show L's girlfriend when he's 17.

My Mother... Oh, my Mother. I made sure to inform her that she would be getting the video in an email. I've linked her email to her phone, but then again she still has yet to learn how to use the smart phone we got her last Christmas. So there you go.

Mom: Melondie-a, WHERE YOU NOW!?

Me: I'm at home giving L a bath.

Mom: WHY YOU NO SEND ME BIDEO!?

Me: Mom, calm down, I did send you the video.

Mom: NO, No, No, No! I NO SEE! You no send to my pone! WHY!? I want to see MY baby!

Me: MOM! Stop yelling at me! If you knew how to use your phone, you could see it. Check your email, I sent it to your email.

Mom: Oh... You send to Mommy emair... So... I on the way home now... I go home and check ok? By the way, I no yelling at you, Mommy just asking you why I no have bideo.

Me: Mom, I'm pretty sure you were just yelling at me.

Mom: ::Screaming at me in Kongrish:: I NO YELL AT YOU! YOU NO SPEAK TO MOMMY THAT WAY! 

She hangs up on me. 

Husband: Is everything OK? Mom seemed like she was upset? Is she mad about something?
Me: Oye. 

Charley Is A Little Dumb.

We adopted a Cockapoo for our son after watching my cousin's Cockapoo, Daisy last summer. He's a good dog, but when his fur is too long, he can't often see that well b/c his vision is limited due to the amount of hair. My Mom is visiting and we're sitting on the sofa watching my son and Charley play tug-of-war with each other.

Mom: Wow! Charley really love baby. Just like Daisy, but I don't know, Charley, I think he little dumb dog.

Me: Mom! My dog is not dumb!

Charley and L run into the living room ::BAM!:: Charley runs into the bookshelf and my toddler tumbles onto the floor in front of us.

Mom: See, I tell you, Charley little dumb dog. 

She Always Knows Just The RIght Thing To Say.

My Mother and Step-Dad drive down from Louisville to visit us here in Nashville. When she walks in, I'm making a big batch of Korean chicken wings for my husband's potluck at his school. Mom is hovering around surprised that I'm cooking Korean food and that I am actually baking the wings opposed to frying them. I then ask her if she and my step-dad would like to eat, she raises an eyebrow and is surprised that I have a whole Korean meal with side dishes available for them to eat.

Me: Mom, are you and J hungry? I made bossam last night and all the banchan to go with it.

Mom: You!? You make-u BOSSAM? How you know how make?

Me: Mom, there is this grand place called the interwebs, it's a fountain of knowledge! Besides, I did learn a lot from family too.

Mom: Okay, Mommy want to try, YOU bossam, you have rice? You have...

Me: Don't worry Mom, I got it under control, you're in my space let me clean up from cooking and I'll set you guys up. 

I proceed to get their meal together. Main dish, dipping sauce, the homemade kimchies, side dishes, all the fixins'. She and my step-dad are a little shocked and look at each other and begin to eat.

Mom: Melondie-a, this taste like a Korean lady make this! You sure you no buy!?

Me: Well that's a little insulting.

Mom: Oh... My daughter she no need me no mo', she good mommy, she cook any food. You such a good housewife!

Me: I'm a good "housewife?" Ok, I'm going to go and hang myself now... Thanks. You really know how to make a person feel the warm and fuzzies!

Mom: Wha? Is that the dope?

Mom? What Do You Think We Should Name The New Baby?

After spending Thanksgiving with my In Laws at their home in Sarasota FL, we were happy to be back in Nashville and to get back into our groove of things. I call my mom and strike up a conversation with her, both my husband and I think it's a good idea to ask her what we should name the new baby, as it seems that everyone else has an idea on what we should name him. 

Me: "So what do you think we should name the baby?"

Mom: " You want to know what Mommy tink? OH! I like Sean!"

Me: "Sean?"

Mom: "Yeah, Sean good name!"

Me: "Um, we're not really feeling Sean. We were thinking Isaac."

::She starts to yell at me on the phone in Kongrish.::

Mom: "Mommy can't say Isaarc! Too HARD! How about Lee?"

Me: "Mom that wouldn't sound nice with our last name."

Mom: "Then why you ask me!? I go now."

::She hangs up.::

Me: "Well... That went well. Don't you think that went well, honey?"

Skype

::Ring, ring, ring::

Me: "Hello Mom, how are you?"

Mom: "Where are you?"
Me: "We're out eating Pho."
Mom: "I keep try to call you on Skype but you no online, so you no answer."
Me: "Well... Mom... I can't answer if I'm not home, or my laptop isn't on."
Mom: "I know, I call you to tell you."

::Starts screaming kongrish into the phone to Logan."

Me: "Mom he can't hear you, you're just screaming in my ear. I have to go we're in the middle of dinner."

::She's still screaming in the phone.::

I Miss You, But...

::My family has moved to Nashville which is roughly 3 hours away from my mom. We're on Skype and this is what she says to me.::

Mom: "Melondie-a, I miss you."
Me: "I miss you too."
Mom: " I'm sorry, I miss you... But not how I miss Logan."
Me: "WTF? Fine, I miss you too, but not how I miss my friends."
Mom: "Bad girl! You can't talk to me like that!"

Hey! That's My Shirt!

Mom comes walking out of her room with my all time favorite Cubs shirt on. I'm kind of freaking out, I mean, it's my favorite shirt! Husband got it for me at our first Cubs game together. So it's special you see... SPECIAL.

Me: "Uh Mom? That's my favorite shirt."

Mom: "Oh, Melondie-a I don't know is your shirt."

Me: "But did you know that it's not your shirt? I'm sure you've seen me wear it. It's my favorite, and it's bothering me you're wearing it without a care in the world. Does it not bother you that it's bothering me?!"

Mom: "No."

Me: "..."

Would Like Mint With Your Tea?

Mom has a friend over and they are conversing on how proud they are of me. Mom is gabbing about my son and husband, and how she hopes this next baby I'm gestating is as cute as Turtle. Meanwhile, I've made a fruit iced tea, and I'm serving them their beverages to be nice.

Mom's Friend: "Melondie-a, I remember when you just baby, how can baby have baby? Now TWO baby! I'm so proud obu' you. You know?"

 Me: "Oh thank you, I haven't really done anything special, I'm just me."

I bend over to pour her tea and...

"PoooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOooooOOOOoooooooooot!"

Mom: "Yells some inaudible thing in Korean."

Me: "My bad, you know how pregnancy goes. Would you like mint with that?"

Fork

This is what I hear as I walk into the kitchen for dinner. My Mother is talking to my 21month old son who wants to only use chopsticks, she insists that a fork would be easier for his noodles. 

Mom: "Baby-ya, use-u you fooku, you fooku!"
Logan: "NOOOO!"
Mom: "Fooooooooku! No chopstick, YOU FOOOOOKU"


Me: "Mom?"
Mom: "Wha?"
Me: "Maybe you should just say it to him in Korean."

Sam's Club Adventures!

:: Mom and I are in the car driving to Sam's Club. I've actually allowed her to drive. Mind you, I never do, because I often fear for my life. She is the epitome of the "Asian Driver." This is our story as we pull into the parking lot and she tries to find parking. ::

Me: "Um... Mom? We're coming to a crosswalk! These people have the right of way!"

Mom: "No! See, they running! Is okay Melondie-a!"

Me: "Help."

Tattoos and Boobies.

Mom: "Uh oh, you not gonna' finish you tattoo until yo' baby done wit' yo' boobie."
Me: "Yes Mom, I know I can't finish it until I'm done nursing. So I'm going to have to wait a while."

::She starts to laugh::

Mom: "You boobie gonna' get so big again, BIG booobie"
Me: "I know, it happens"
Mom: "I'm proud you give baby milk...."
Me: "Awwwwwwe, thanks Mommy."
Mom: "But when your boobie get small like little apple, THEN you 
finish tattoo. OK? You know, like little tangerine, not like orange, but smaaaaaaaaaall one."
Me: "Yeah, I get it, thanks"


My mom has always referred to my girls as "boobies" or some sort of fruit. It's especially embarrassing when she does it in public.

3 Little Monkeys

::Logan jumps up and down on my bed as my mother is sitting there watching him::

Mom: "3 littue monkey jumping on da' bed-u, one fell off and break his arm, so no jump on bed-u anymo'... Ohh... I forgot song."


Me: "Yeah... I don't think that's how the song goes, Mom."

Mom? Where Is Your Cell Phone?

::Ring, ring! Ring, ring!::

Mom: "Herro?"
Me: "Mom? Hey, where is your phone?"
Mom: "I talk on it! You call  me on my hand phone now."
Me: "No Ma, your other phone?"
Mom: "It no ring!"
Me: "No, where is it?"
Mom: "Melondie-a! I tell you, it no ring!"
Me: "I know its not ringing, Crazy! This really nice man just called me saying that he found your phone in front of the store. You dropped it, he's nice enough to drop it off to you today there, so make sure you thank him."
Mom: "He take MY PHONE!? WHY? Why he take it?"
Me: "No Lady! You dropped it and he found it and is going to bring it back to you!"
Mom: "Oh, so how you know he have my phone??
Me: "Really? Seriously? I'm hanging up now."

My Mother can't keep track of her cell phone if her life depended on it. Its gotten to the point where we put a lanyard on the particular phone I'm talking about! Oh, and no she still doesn't know how to use that smartphone we got her. She has 2 phones, one she really doesn't know how to use and the other she loses.

You My Baby... Still...

Mom: "Because baby gone for 2 weeks, you my baby."
Me: "NO! I don't want to be your baby. You told me that I would always be your baby, then I had a baby and I'm not your baby anymore."
Mom: "But baby gone, so you have all Mommy attention."
Me: "Really!? Want to hang out Ma?"
Mom: "No, I go now. I have to go bank, then bookkeeper."
Me: "But you said..."
Mom: "You stay here by you self and play on the internet. OK? Bye."
Me: "What the hell just happened?"

Family Liquor Store.

I go to visit my Mom and Brother at their liquor store and I stumble across some hookah tobacco they sell that's kimchee flavored.

Me: "Mike, people actually buy this? Who would like to smoke kimchee!?"

Mike: "You'll be surprised sis, people loved this stuff."

Mom: "It's Neegel!"

:: Mike and I look at each other.::

Me: "Did she say what I think she said"

Mike: "No, but it sounded like she said it!"
Mom: "It's neegel right?"

::Mike and I laugh out loud.::

Mike: "Yeah Mom, it's LEGAL."

Mom: "That what I say... Neegel." 

Me: "This one is so going up on my blog."

15 Month Check Up.

::Waiting in the pediatrician's office::

Mom: "My boy goin' get shot. You get SHOT, shot, SHOT, shot."

Me: "Seriously Mom? I wouldn't say that here... In the waiting room, while they are super busy and there are like 30 other people in here."

Mom: "Wha? My baby goin' get SHOT!"

Me: "You might freak a kid out. It's already bad enough that they have to be here and now you keep saying the word that would make them freak out the most."

Mom: "Mommy been do dis' my whole life. Ok? I take you, your brother bof' to doctor to get shot when you young time. Ok? No big deal. My baby get SHOT!"

::Some random kid starts to scream and cry, "I DON'T WANT TO GET A SHOT!"::

Me: "See what you did?"

Mom: "Wha?"

What Is That Smell?

::Walk into the house::

Me: "What the hell is that smell? It smells like something died and threw up on itself and died again!"
Mom: "Oh that smell? Ok, I tell you something ok?"
Me: "Dear Lord what is it now?"
Mom: "Ok so outside refrigerator, no work. cause it too cold outside. So fishy you auntie put in there spoil."
Me: "So you're telling me the fish is in the fridge and you can smell it inside the house?"
Mom: "No I take it out."
Me: "Where the hell is it then?"
Mom: "In the garageee."

::We go to the garage::

Me: "This is just nasty, what the hell is going on? Is that fish juice!? Oh man this is gross! MOM! Why didn't you clean this up and throw this away?"
Mom: "You do it."
Me: "I'm leaving right now." 

Genius Button

Mom: "Melondie-a, what does this button do on phone?"
Me: "Oh, thats your genius button. You push it and tell it what you want."
Mom: "Wah you mean?"
Me: "Say you want to find a business but you're driving. You push it and say, "Find a business... Korean restaurant. It will pull up all the Korean restaurants around you on your Google Map."

::Mom looks at phone and pushes the Genius Button::

Mom: "KOREAN RESTAURAN!"
Me: "No lady! You don't have to yell at it. Just do what it promps you to do."

::Mom tries it again::

Mom: "Pind-u business-u... Korean restauran."
Phone: "Did you say, "Call Melondie mobile 1?"
Mom: "Why it never do it?"

::Laughing very hard::

Me: "Cause your phone doesn't understand Kongrish. God you're old."


Husband bought Mom a smart phone and after 2 months of having it, she still doesn't know what she's doing. I'm glad we both can get a good laugh out of it.

Octopus

Mom: "Melondie-a my baby lobe-u da octopussy!"
Me: "Mom?"
Mom: "Really, he lobe-u da octopussy! Can you believe dat? Dis boy... he someting else. You know? He really is Korean boy."
Me: "Mom?"
Mom: "Wah?"
Me: "Its pronounced o-c-t-o-p-u-s... Not octopussy."
Mom: "That what I say! Octopussy." 

Good Morning.

7:30 am ::RING, RING, RING!::
Me: "Hello?"
Mom: "Melondie-a, please help me."
Me: "OMG are you okay? Are you in your room? I'm coming!"

::I run into her room::

Me: "Mom!"

::She rolls over::

Mom: "Would you please make me coppee?"
Me: "Are you kidding me?! You just scared the shit out of me!"
Mom: "Wha?"

What Is That On Your Bed?

Mom: "Melondie-a, I tink maybe you should be more careful with you personal tings."
Me: "What are you talking about?"
Mom: "Well... Mommy go into your room to put calenda on you desk-u and I see your personal ting on your bed."
Me: "For the love of Jebus! What the hell are you talking about?"
Mom: "Maybe you forget, I show you."
 ::Walk into my bedroom::
Mom: "See, your personal tings"
Me: "A Pedi Paws for the dog's nails?"
Mom: " What is this?"
Me: "Its a electric nail.... Oh dear Lord you thought? WHY WOULD YOU? I have to go now, I can't talk to you right at this moment."