Skype

::Ring, ring, ring::

Me: "Hello Mom, how are you?"

Mom: "Where are you?"
Me: "We're out eating Pho."
Mom: "I keep try to call you on Skype but you no online, so you no answer."
Me: "Well... Mom... I can't answer if I'm not home, or my laptop isn't on."
Mom: "I know, I call you to tell you."

::Starts screaming kongrish into the phone to Logan."

Me: "Mom he can't hear you, you're just screaming in my ear. I have to go we're in the middle of dinner."

::She's still screaming in the phone.::

I Miss You, But...

::My family has moved to Nashville which is roughly 3 hours away from my mom. We're on Skype and this is what she says to me.::

Mom: "Melondie-a, I miss you."
Me: "I miss you too."
Mom: " I'm sorry, I miss you... But not how I miss Logan."
Me: "WTF? Fine, I miss you too, but not how I miss my friends."
Mom: "Bad girl! You can't talk to me like that!"

Hey! That's My Shirt!

Mom comes walking out of her room with my all time favorite Cubs shirt on. I'm kind of freaking out, I mean, it's my favorite shirt! Husband got it for me at our first Cubs game together. So it's special you see... SPECIAL.

Me: "Uh Mom? That's my favorite shirt."

Mom: "Oh, Melondie-a I don't know is your shirt."

Me: "But did you know that it's not your shirt? I'm sure you've seen me wear it. It's my favorite, and it's bothering me you're wearing it without a care in the world. Does it not bother you that it's bothering me?!"

Mom: "No."

Me: "..."

Would Like Mint With Your Tea?

Mom has a friend over and they are conversing on how proud they are of me. Mom is gabbing about my son and husband, and how she hopes this next baby I'm gestating is as cute as Turtle. Meanwhile, I've made a fruit iced tea, and I'm serving them their beverages to be nice.

Mom's Friend: "Melondie-a, I remember when you just baby, how can baby have baby? Now TWO baby! I'm so proud obu' you. You know?"

 Me: "Oh thank you, I haven't really done anything special, I'm just me."

I bend over to pour her tea and...

"PoooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOooooOOOOoooooooooot!"

Mom: "Yells some inaudible thing in Korean."

Me: "My bad, you know how pregnancy goes. Would you like mint with that?"

Fork

This is what I hear as I walk into the kitchen for dinner. My Mother is talking to my 21month old son who wants to only use chopsticks, she insists that a fork would be easier for his noodles. 

Mom: "Baby-ya, use-u you fooku, you fooku!"
Logan: "NOOOO!"
Mom: "Fooooooooku! No chopstick, YOU FOOOOOKU"


Me: "Mom?"
Mom: "Wha?"
Me: "Maybe you should just say it to him in Korean."

Sam's Club Adventures!

:: Mom and I are in the car driving to Sam's Club. I've actually allowed her to drive. Mind you, I never do, because I often fear for my life. She is the epitome of the "Asian Driver." This is our story as we pull into the parking lot and she tries to find parking. ::

Me: "Um... Mom? We're coming to a crosswalk! These people have the right of way!"

Mom: "No! See, they running! Is okay Melondie-a!"

Me: "Help."

Tattoos and Boobies.

Mom: "Uh oh, you not gonna' finish you tattoo until yo' baby done wit' yo' boobie."
Me: "Yes Mom, I know I can't finish it until I'm done nursing. So I'm going to have to wait a while."

::She starts to laugh::

Mom: "You boobie gonna' get so big again, BIG booobie"
Me: "I know, it happens"
Mom: "I'm proud you give baby milk...."
Me: "Awwwwwwe, thanks Mommy."
Mom: "But when your boobie get small like little apple, THEN you 
finish tattoo. OK? You know, like little tangerine, not like orange, but smaaaaaaaaaall one."
Me: "Yeah, I get it, thanks"


My mom has always referred to my girls as "boobies" or some sort of fruit. It's especially embarrassing when she does it in public.