3 Little Monkeys

::Logan jumps up and down on my bed as my mother is sitting there watching him::

Mom: "3 littue monkey jumping on da' bed-u, one fell off and break his arm, so no jump on bed-u anymo'... Ohh... I forgot song."


Me: "Yeah... I don't think that's how the song goes, Mom."

Mom? Where Is Your Cell Phone?

::Ring, ring! Ring, ring!::

Mom: "Herro?"
Me: "Mom? Hey, where is your phone?"
Mom: "I talk on it! You call  me on my hand phone now."
Me: "No Ma, your other phone?"
Mom: "It no ring!"
Me: "No, where is it?"
Mom: "Melondie-a! I tell you, it no ring!"
Me: "I know its not ringing, Crazy! This really nice man just called me saying that he found your phone in front of the store. You dropped it, he's nice enough to drop it off to you today there, so make sure you thank him."
Mom: "He take MY PHONE!? WHY? Why he take it?"
Me: "No Lady! You dropped it and he found it and is going to bring it back to you!"
Mom: "Oh, so how you know he have my phone??
Me: "Really? Seriously? I'm hanging up now."

My Mother can't keep track of her cell phone if her life depended on it. Its gotten to the point where we put a lanyard on the particular phone I'm talking about! Oh, and no she still doesn't know how to use that smartphone we got her. She has 2 phones, one she really doesn't know how to use and the other she loses.

You My Baby... Still...

Mom: "Because baby gone for 2 weeks, you my baby."
Me: "NO! I don't want to be your baby. You told me that I would always be your baby, then I had a baby and I'm not your baby anymore."
Mom: "But baby gone, so you have all Mommy attention."
Me: "Really!? Want to hang out Ma?"
Mom: "No, I go now. I have to go bank, then bookkeeper."
Me: "But you said..."
Mom: "You stay here by you self and play on the internet. OK? Bye."
Me: "What the hell just happened?"

Family Liquor Store.

I go to visit my Mom and Brother at their liquor store and I stumble across some hookah tobacco they sell that's kimchee flavored.

Me: "Mike, people actually buy this? Who would like to smoke kimchee!?"

Mike: "You'll be surprised sis, people loved this stuff."

Mom: "It's Neegel!"

:: Mike and I look at each other.::

Me: "Did she say what I think she said"

Mike: "No, but it sounded like she said it!"
Mom: "It's neegel right?"

::Mike and I laugh out loud.::

Mike: "Yeah Mom, it's LEGAL."

Mom: "That what I say... Neegel." 

Me: "This one is so going up on my blog."

15 Month Check Up.

::Waiting in the pediatrician's office::

Mom: "My boy goin' get shot. You get SHOT, shot, SHOT, shot."

Me: "Seriously Mom? I wouldn't say that here... In the waiting room, while they are super busy and there are like 30 other people in here."

Mom: "Wha? My baby goin' get SHOT!"

Me: "You might freak a kid out. It's already bad enough that they have to be here and now you keep saying the word that would make them freak out the most."

Mom: "Mommy been do dis' my whole life. Ok? I take you, your brother bof' to doctor to get shot when you young time. Ok? No big deal. My baby get SHOT!"

::Some random kid starts to scream and cry, "I DON'T WANT TO GET A SHOT!"::

Me: "See what you did?"

Mom: "Wha?"

What Is That Smell?

::Walk into the house::

Me: "What the hell is that smell? It smells like something died and threw up on itself and died again!"
Mom: "Oh that smell? Ok, I tell you something ok?"
Me: "Dear Lord what is it now?"
Mom: "Ok so outside refrigerator, no work. cause it too cold outside. So fishy you auntie put in there spoil."
Me: "So you're telling me the fish is in the fridge and you can smell it inside the house?"
Mom: "No I take it out."
Me: "Where the hell is it then?"
Mom: "In the garageee."

::We go to the garage::

Me: "This is just nasty, what the hell is going on? Is that fish juice!? Oh man this is gross! MOM! Why didn't you clean this up and throw this away?"
Mom: "You do it."
Me: "I'm leaving right now." 

Genius Button

Mom: "Melondie-a, what does this button do on phone?"
Me: "Oh, thats your genius button. You push it and tell it what you want."
Mom: "Wah you mean?"
Me: "Say you want to find a business but you're driving. You push it and say, "Find a business... Korean restaurant. It will pull up all the Korean restaurants around you on your Google Map."

::Mom looks at phone and pushes the Genius Button::

Mom: "KOREAN RESTAURAN!"
Me: "No lady! You don't have to yell at it. Just do what it promps you to do."

::Mom tries it again::

Mom: "Pind-u business-u... Korean restauran."
Phone: "Did you say, "Call Melondie mobile 1?"
Mom: "Why it never do it?"

::Laughing very hard::

Me: "Cause your phone doesn't understand Kongrish. God you're old."


Husband bought Mom a smart phone and after 2 months of having it, she still doesn't know what she's doing. I'm glad we both can get a good laugh out of it.