Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I Miss The Baby

::Ring, ring::
Me: "Hi Mommy"
Mom: "Where is Baby?"
Me: "He's watching Yo Gabba Gabba with Dada."
Mom: "I miss him. I love him... He okay wich' you?"
Me: "Well considering that he spends pretty much 100% of his time with me I would have to say... Yes."
Mom: "I miss him, I feer empty."
Me: "I love you Mommy and I miss you!"
Mom: "NO! I no talk about you! I talk about my baby! I miss him. No you!"
Me: "Whatever lady, I'll put you in a home."
Mom: "Wha?"






What can I say? She's fond of our spawn. Who wouldn't love that face?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

My Son-In-Law Awesome.

Mom: "Where you go?"
Husband: "Back to Nashville, I have work tomorrow."
Mom: "Melondie sad now look at her face."
Husband: "I know she always gets sad when I leave."
Mom: "She be okay, you good husband. Smart, work hard, have good baby... You take care your family."
Husband: "Thanks Mom."
Mom: "Not like her, she just talk, talk, talk, how much she miss you all the time. Give me headache."
Me: "Mom it sounds like you like him more than you like me! I don't complain that I miss him! I barely see you when he's gone."
Mom: "I do! I do like him more than you."
Me: "..."
Husband: "Well. I'd better go."


Mom adores my husband as you can tell. She always pokes fun of me when I get sad that he's gone for the week.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Happy Birthday Mom!

Me: "Happy Birthday Mom!"
Mom: "Thank you my daughter. Where is my coppee?"
Me: "I didn't make you any."
Mom: "Ah!? Today my birsday and you no make me coppee!?"
Me: "No... Why would I make you coffee when you just complain on how I make it for you?"
Mom: "Because-u! It MY birsday!"
Me: "Well its also Baby Jesus's birthday too."
Mom: "Jesus-u no drink coppee! I do! Bad girl!"


A regular cup of coffee is entirely too strong for my Mother, she has to have it cut in half with hot water. So essentially she drinks brown water.

Your Aunt Wants To See You.

Mom: "Your Auntie coming today, she ask me how much weight you lost."
Me: "What are you talking about mom?"
Mom: "She say that when she was in Korea, Wan show her picture of you on Logan birsday. She said you pretty cause-u you rook soooooo skinny! You know... cause you got so fat when you had baby."
Me: "Uh... Thanks?"
Mom: "But then I just laugh!"
           ::she starts to laugh:: 
           I tell her "Wait! When she see you today! Your butt big now! Not cute like on Logan's birsday, but BIG!"
Me: "..."
Mom: ::Still Laughing::


Mom on my never ending battle with her standards of beauty.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Poo Poo Big

Me: "Mom we've almost made it to Nashville. How's Little Man?"
Mom: "You know what he did?"

Me: "No Ma, thats why I'm calling you."
Mom: "He got up from nap, and messed up everything! Then he go to your room and go to Daddy's side of bed and he POO POO sooooooooooo BIG! He just stand there! No move, just poo poo!"
Me: "Hahahaha! Awesome."
Mom: "Whatchu' mean awesome? That no awesome, his poo poo BIG! You know that? He stink so bad! How can cute little boy do something like that? He grossu'."


Mom on my son's adult male sized poops.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Prozac

Mom: "There something wrong with this dog, she crazy! I mean... I unno about this dog. She has some kind of mental problem. Her mind is kinda' empty"
Me: "Mom there is nothing wrong with the dog, she just has MAJOR separation anxiety, Thats common with rescues. We just need to crate her.
Mom: "Maybe we should take her to a psychiatric doctor."
Me: "Well... I mean we could get her on prozac or something."
Mom: "We can do that? Oh thats good idea."  
                  :She turns and looks at the dog: 
"Maxie you stupid dog, grandma go get you prozac cause you crazy!"





 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

For You Mom.

Me: "I started a Blog about you Momma."
Mom: "What is this"
Me: "You know a Blog. Its where people write about stuff... I just so happen to be writing about you, and your Kongrish. People seem to like you and all your craziness."
Mom: "Oh we call it b-l-o-g-u.,, People think I'm funny?"
Me: " Yeah mom, I mean I laugh my ass off on a daily basis."
Mom: " You alright (right). I am berry funny. You crazy though... not me."

Your Boobies

Mom: "Oh your boobies are like apple now!"
Me: "Mom I really don't know how to take that statement."
Mom: "After you had baby, your boobies look like watermelon."
Me: "Mom stop."
Mom: "Now they are sooooo small, like small apple."
Me: "..."
Mom: " You know? Like small apple, not big one."

Look At All Those Titties.

Mom: "Aww poor baby, look at all those TITTIES!"
Me: "Mom its pronounced t-e-a-r-s."
Mom: "Oh yeah... Titties."


My Mom talking about my son's crocodile tears.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Coo Coo Clocks

Mom: "I hate the Coo coo clocks! I hate them, they are so bad!"
Me: " I don't think you'll have to worry about them... We don't have one, do they even still make them?"
Mom: "No Melondie... You know the Coo coo crocks!"
Me: "I sure do Mom, they pop out and say "COO COO, COO COO!" every hour on the hour. I mean that would irritate me too."
Mom: "I'm talking about the people in white, with the white hat, the bad people."
Me: "WTF? You mean Ku Klux Klan..."
Mom: "Right the Kruu Krux Kran."

Mom talking about a time when she and my father were followed by the KKK in Oklahoma for 8 hours, when they were on a trip to visit my aunt. In the early 70's.

Sluts. Sluts. Sluts All Over The Place.

Mom: "Melondie-a the dog has sluts all over her face!"
Me: "Mom its pronounced slobber. If she had sluts all over her face, we have one pretty gangster dog."

Mom: "What does that mean?"
Me: "Nothing Mom, just call it slobber next time... Not sluts."